Bodies in Space

I'd thought when I finally watched The Departed a few weeks back that I couldn't possibly relate to any of the characters. After all, I'm neither a cop nor a criminal nor someone who is one pretending to be the other. I'm neither DiCaprio's jittery and vulnerable schizoid nor Damon's slick and defensive fast-talker, plus no one's shot me in the head lately. So while I respected the movie's workmanship from start to finish, I didn't feel it with the same thud to the chest as Goodfellas or Mean Streets, both of which offered a protagonist that thought he had things under control until events proved otherwise. It seemed like everyone in The Departed had most or all of their plates spinning at once, so the tension wasn't tied up in whether they'd fall, it was just a matter of when.

I just got through a week of little sleep and work-induced stress, and I came home late one night and spotted the Netflix envelope with the Departed disc waiting to go back (yes, if you've been waiting, I'm sorry, I'll send it off tomorrow), and my state of mind at that moment made me think perhaps I did relate to a character, a major character (I won't reveal who, no spoilers) who in the course of his dangerous but routine work finds himself out of his comfort zone and is thrown off a building by some thugs who glumly admit later were probably too hard on him. This major character puts up a brave face, but the circumstances overwhelm him and the next thing that goes through his head is a few square feet of alleyway pavement. It was here that I found the character I can relate to.

My job still affects me like an exposed nerve, always wondering whether or when someone will point and shout, "Faker!" I don't hate going to work, although there are aspects about it I would rather not have to deal with. I met my boss for the first time when he interviewed me for a different position with the company, one more in tune with my experience. He was impressed, but said later he didn't hire me because I was currently in a management position and he felt I was on a better career track there, a source of conflict that has arisen a few times over the past two years. He and I have had multiple discussions about what I'd like to do with the company, and while he still thinks I should stay a manager, he has promised to support a decision to go in a new direction should one present itself. A year ago he lined up a last-minute interview for me in another company location in a different role, more of a teaching position. We've talked about where to find other types of roles within the company. I thought the guy had my back.

Last weekend, however, a colleague told me something in secret. My colleague had been hand-picked by the boss to present a new product at a big convention in the next few months, the privilege of being able to send someone the result of our strong results over the past year. I was happy when I found out, my colleague is a good presenter and I respect his work. However, the product he'd be presenting is almost completely unfamiliar to him beyond its basic conceits, and he'd be presenting to people ranging from amateur to expert. When he was polled by the corporate office on his experience, his answers were immediately called into question and my boss was told he'd have to make another choice. My boss pulled my colleague into his office and told him he'd resubmit his name and try to coach him on the answers this time, but my colleague told him he was uncomfortable with that idea and in fact was now sure he should not be asked to go, but instead felt someone they both knew who had stronger experience in the product and over ten years professional experience in the field should be selected in his place. The boss asked who that was and my colleague said my name.

"HE knows that stuff?" was the response.

The idea I had that my boss, who is doing very well in the company, would think of my talents when the time came, may be a total illusion. I've got a one-on-one scheduled with him in the next few days, so I may wind up finding out I'm being sent instead of my colleague, but I'm prepared to be passed over again.

And why, do you ask, do I care if I'm trying to become a screenwriter?

Because I'm realistic. I have faith in my talent and skill and if I hand you a script, you can be sure I like what I've done. But I won't think I can be a professional screenwriter until a producer shakes my hand and gives me a job. Until that point, I need to know I'm not wasting forty-plus hours a week just to get thrown off a building one day by circumstance.